He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
