Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize