I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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