i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
