I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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