1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
