All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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