Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
