I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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