I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
