its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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