epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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