Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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