Four minutes until I can fart!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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