I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you never un-have a 4some
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
