what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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