if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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