my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
