masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
pop tarts are not kleenex
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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