I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
