please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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