Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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