did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
