she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize