I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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