u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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