i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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