i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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