I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
