You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
