Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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