he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize