Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
