You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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