Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
