I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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