After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
is wine microwaveable?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
