How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
