Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize