I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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