i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
