I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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