if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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