I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
