I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
