just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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