she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
