Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
if only i could text you this smell
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
