He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize