i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
