if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
