What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
