He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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