i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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