Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
