If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
