I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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