Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
