It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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