My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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