I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
