Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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