Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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