Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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