paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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